If it doesn't CHALLENGE you it won't CHANGE you.

When I  began this blog, I did so with the intention of updating on a weekly basis and using it for accountability. I epically failed at that, for a few reasons, but the most honest answer I can give is that I was too afraid to share my updates knowing that I was sharing one of the most terrifying, intimate parts of my life with anyone and everyone on the interwebs. A lot has changed within me in the past year. I have been able to move toward healing many old hurts, forgive people who have wronged me, get over insecurities that used to cripple me, and ask for help when I need it. I have had a lot of recovering to do. It has been a tough road, it will be a rough road, but I will survive because I am nothing if I'm not a survivor.

I have struggled with extreme depression and anxiety since I was in Middle School. I've always been terrified of EVERYTHING. I couldn't jump into a pool even though I know how to swim because what if water went down my throat and choked me, or what if, i don't know, an alligator appeared in the middle of the pool and ate my arms? Who knows... I don't have many memories of sledding as a kid. I couldn't figure out why until this winter when I went with my family to take my nephew and cousins sledding. I was SO excited. The kids were so excited. I'm not even sure what happened...I sat at the top of the hill just trying to get the courage and when my husband tried to push me on a sled I rolled off and started hyperventilating. I was horrified, but I didn't understand why. I'll never forget the feeling when he looked at me and said, "why'd you even come if you were just going to sit here and ruin everyone's fun." I felt like someone had kicked me in the chest. I wanted to tell him that I don't mean to be this way, that I wish I could do everyday things without falling apart, but instead, I went to the car and cried. I can't answer the phone unless it's someone I'm close to calling because my heart beats out of my chest when it rings. I have Wes read my texts if they're from someone I know is going to say something mean, because fighting sends me into a mess of tears and hyperventilation. I went to a concert with Wes for his birthday. I was fine as long as I had my eyes closed or I was looking at the band but the moment I turned around and saw all the people closing in behind me, I panicked. I had to get outside. I couldn't breathe. I don't know what's wrong with me sometimes.  I can't go anywhere unless someone I trust or know very  well is with me because meeting people causes a pit of fear to rise up into my chest. There are so many things my anxiety controls. When my depression tells me I'm not good enough, my anxiety tells me I can't do anything to prove that I am. I have been on anxiety medicines and anti-depressants, they've done nothing but numb me to the world around me, or cause me to be a suicidal mess. They are part of the reason I don't touch pharmaceuticals unless I am desperate.

I guess all of this was a lead up to my new story. Or maybe I just felt like telling someone how I feel, even if that "someone" is a computer screen...

Shortly after losing my son I went into weight loss mode. I needed to control SOMETHING because my life was out of control. I was heartbroken and horribly sad. I battled and fought and lost 45 lbs. I quickly gained much of that weight back after falling off the wagon in October. I got discouraged, I failed. I did what I have always done when I was AFRAID of change...I went back to the things I learned as a child. Food is a coping mechanism, but it shouldn't be because all it really does is make depression worse. When I realized I had gained most of the weight I had lost back and I thought about what I had been eating, drinking, and doing for the past several months, I freaked out. I had a breakdown and decided that 2014 would NOT be like every other year. I decided that 2014 was going to be the year I conquered my fears, and so far, it has been. But 2014 isn't just about conquering fears, it's about taking back what belongs to ME. My HAPPINESS. :)  It's MINE and the only way I am going to get it back is to TAKE it.

In February I started a sugar detox...It was supposed to be 21 days but I ate half a piece of birthday cake and a piece of pizza on day 14 soooo......On February 18th I got back in the gym after a 2 month hiatus. Since then I have spent around 2 hours a day, at least 4, usually 5 or 6 days a week there. I am working with a personal trainer 1 day a week. Every day I push myself through the pain to the place where I like the burn. For the past month I have felt such a peace. I am no longer having daily meltdowns and panic attacks. My depression is still there, I can feel it, but it's more of a dull fog now rather than a black curtain over my heart and soul. It's not controlling me anymore. Working out has become a kind of therapy for me. My hair is always in my gym knot, I haven't worn anything but a sports bra in 2 months, yoga pants are so normal to me that my jeans feel foreign when I try to put them on, several of my shirts have had the sleeves sliced off because, let's face it, a girl can't analyze her muscles in the mirror with sleeves in the way. I have bruises. A lot of the time my skin is red and my body is shaky. I spend more time driving to and from the gym than I spend sleeping. I have only lost 6 lbs in a month and a half. And I have NEVER felt so good. The number on the scale doesn't tell the whole story. It doesn't show how hard you're working, how much you've given up, how much you've learned. It doesn't show how strong you've become. It's just a number. It means nothing. You want proof that healthy life means something? Look at the clothes that were always too tight and are now baggy. Look at my legs, I bet you'll see muscle. Watch me run. Watch me lift. Talk to me for 5 minutes and you'll see that the depression and anxiety that have plagued most of my life have basically gone into hiding. Maybe they've realized I'm stronger than them....I'm stronger now. I'm happy now. This girl LOVES herself now.


And this is why I KNOW this to be true, "If it doesn't CHALLENGE you, it won't CHANGE you."

This blog is no longer my accountability. I am my OWN accountability. This blog will now be a place for me to share my soul with anyone who wants to read it. Much of it will be about my weight loss journey because that's the big thing in my life right now, but it will also be about my dreams and goals, my family, my husband, the fears I am overcoming, and the joy I have to share. If you've stuck with me this long, I hope you will continue to stick with me.

Tomorrow is a new day, wake up and enjoy it! <3


XoXoXo,
Jackilyn

False Evidence Appearing Real...FEAR

It's been a very long time since I have updated here. I guess my accountability concept was too complicated for me....Or maybe I just got lazy.... Yeah, that seems more likely. So, where I am now?


I am TERRIFIED of failing. Which for some reason has translated in my brain to being terrified of getting started again. But, doesn't that mean I've already failed?

I am scared that I am going to work my butt off and still not lose weight, not be skinny enough, still be infertile. I am basically afraid that I have NO control. But again, if I refuse to TAKE control, am I not just giving it away?

So here are my excuses

I feel too self conscious to go to the gym alone....
I hate doing workout dvds at home because there's just not enough space...
It's too close to Valentine's day (or insert some other random holiday here).... (this one is easy since, well, there are holidays at least every other month)
I live with people who don't eat well and it's too hard to resist temptation....
I don't want to start in the middle of the week...
I already messed up today by eating that pop tart (oreo, piece of pizza, mozzarella stick...etc)....

And here are the reasons those excuses are no longer relevant...

I have a husband, a cousin, and a best friend who are all more than willing to workout with me
The furniture does MOVE
Major holidays can be cheat days! It makes NO sense at all to put off your entire life over a 1 day event!
No one else is responsible for YOUR health! Let them eat their junk, YOU remember why you are doing this. Remember what it's worth!
Make the day you start the beginning of a new week. You want to start on Thursday? COOL, guess what? THURSDAY IS THE NEW MONDAY! Deal with it!!!
So WHAT!!! You ate a poptart? Great, now add it to your calorie journal and workout for an extra 20 minutes....Sheesh, like it's THAT hard.

Yes, it IS time for some tough love. I know my flaws and I NEED to fix them. I have done so great and I am LIVID with myself for slacking off and letting my success fall apart. NO MORE...


Starting Sunday this life is changing. I WILL lose this weight and have a baby. Thankfully I will have a workout buddy for a couple days a week starting tuesday. I also start working out with a trainer next week and she will help push me as far as nutrition goes too. I'm done being stuck in a rut. I promised myself that 2014 was going to be the best year of my life and I meant it. Things are going to change NOW....



If you read this, thanks, feel free to kick my butt into gear any time you see me slacking off. :)

I just turned 24....24 sounds like the perfect age to take control of your life...doesn't it?  :)

Failures, Frustrations, and Will power

So, here is where I hold myself accountable. I have to be completely honest and it is going to make me look as pathetic as I feel. As you can all clearly see, I fail. I haven't blogged in a long time. I feel pretty terrible. I sort of fell off the dieting wagon when I went on vacation and I am working on finding my way back on...

It all started with Disco Fries...

We went to South Carolina to see my aunt, uncle, and cousins. I packed healthy food and did really well until our last night there. We stopped at a diner because apparently everything in Hilton Head closes down at 10pm! lol Anyway, this diner had delicious sounding food and I ordered something called Disco fries with my Chocolate chip pancakes...DON'T judge me! These fries were covered in brown gravy and cheese and dipped in ranch dressing. They might not sound amazing but OH MY WORD they were AMAZING. Once I had eaten that Heart attack on a plate, it just kind of went down hill. I've gained back 10 of my 35 lbs lost so now I am kicking myself!

Luckily for me, I have a friend who is awesome encouragement and she and I have come up with a plan. We are going to have video chat dates every week and set goals for ourselves. Since I don't have a local workout buddy, I need a long distance one. Whichever one of us loses a higher percentage of fat by our goal date gets to give the other one an unpleasant task, however, it has to be fitness minded. So, she can tell me to do 30 minutes of planks or I can tell her to jog a mile. This will be fun.

I tried Paleo for a week. It was hard but I felt great. I stopped and felt terrible again so looks like Monday morning I am back on the Paleo wagon. There are some pretty fantastic recipes out there.

My main goal right now is to finish Couch 2 5K so that I can run in Amy, Lisa, & Abigail's Memorial 5K on July 14th. I cannot believe they've been gone almost a year. It is horrible. At least 10 times a day I start to text Lisa and remember that I can't. It still seems unreal. If you want to run or walk in the 5K in Blissfield check out their facebook page. Amy, Lisa, Abigail Memorial 5K!

I need to get off my butt and start exercising again. Truth time, I haven't gone on a run since I got home from vacation. (that's over 2 weeks). I am going to be cursing myself when I lace up my shoes and head out but I deserve it for being so lame!

Goals for this week...
Gain at least 10 seconds on my planks. (That means lasting 40 seconds instead of 30)
Finish week 3 (or Redo week 2 of C25K)
Start over the squat challenge


I also need to find my Zumba Dvds. They somehow managed to get lost and I really need them.

I am running in the Run or Dye race on August 10th in Toledo with an awesome team called "Color Outside the Lines." I can't wait! I entered a contest with a video called "I Run for Carter" and if you want to vote for me I'd be so excited and thankful! Here is the link. You have to like the facebook page and then use the stars to vote on my video. Thank you!
https://www.facebook.com/RunOrDye?sk=app_107727025983833&app_data=%7B%22mid%22%3A22866%7D

Back on Track...

Nine days for an update. That's a little ridiculous, but it makes sense because I got a little bit off track for about a week there. I started this program that a few of my friends have had awesome luck with. Unfortunately, my body seems to react badly to supplements and I had a terrible time on the program. It starts off with an 8 day cleanse in which you eat lean meat for snacks and drink shakes with supplements. You also have to drink half of your body weight in ounces of water. That was tough but I did it. I ended up stopping on day 5 because my heart just couldn't handle it any longer. It stinks but I didn't want to harm myself when I already have so many health issues. So, I went 6 days with absolutely no exercise and I felt awful the whole time. I still haven't talked myself into getting back into running yet but I will do it. I am going to TRY to go right into week 2 day 3 of C25K but there is a good possibility that I am greatly over estimating my abilities. So here's a rundown of my progress...I am slightly over the plateau, I have lost 35 lbs so far but I am not sure about the inches because I tend to forget to measure. I am currently wearing Wesley's clothes because mine are too big, so that says something :)  

I am getting extremely depressed about this loose skin and all these stretch marks. I know they are battle wounds, but I really hate them :(  

Now to the recipes I promised on Facebook

Baked Kale Chips 

(I was skeptical but YUMM)

-Kale (you can buy your own bunches but I just got the pre-washed kind in a bag)
-Olive Oil (1-2 TBS) I used 1 and a 1/2 but next time I will use only 1
-Toppings (I used Cajun seasoning, garlic powder, salt, & Parmesan cheese) 

1. Preheat oven to 300 degrees
2. Put Kale into a large bowl and toss on dry toppings (don't overdo the salt because it already has a salty flavor) 
3. Pour olive oil over top and toss with tongs or clean hands 
4. Place in a single layer on a baking sheet 
5. Bake for 30-35 minutes turning/tossing halfway through cook time (I didn't do that part and ended up with some soggier leaves in the middle so definitely don't forget to toss/turn at the 15 minute mark)
6. When they are baked you can let them cool and enjoy

I ate them plain but you could always spruce them up

Teryaki Pita Sandwich

-Pita bread (I cut a circular one in half but you can use pockets)

-Onion (I used half of a yellow onion)

-Green Onion (I used two)

-Baby Bella Mushrooms

-Teryaki sauce

-Extra Firm Tofu (I only used firm and it didn't work nearly as well as extra firm has in the past so definitely use Extra Firm

1. Put a little bit of olive oil in a pan and turn the heat on medium 
2. Heat the pita pocket in the pan until both sides are browned
3. Remove pita from pan and toss in mushrooms, onions, and tofu.
4. Cook until onions are translucent
5. Pour in Teryaki sauce (I used about a tablespoon and a half)
6. Put the mixture in the pita pocket and enjoy 

You can add cheese or meat to this if you want a carnivorous option. I just chose to make this one vegetarian. 

If you eat the chips and pita sandwich as a meal made with the exact ingredients I used, you are looking at about 620 calories for your meal, but it is filling and yummy. 

Why I Hate the Media

Today I was having a conversation with a sweet woman who I have been friends with for years. We were talking about how heartbreaking it is to be overweight in today's society and how we are made to feel inferior. Reading her texts I was getting teary eyed because her feelings have been my feelings for so long. For years I have believed that I was not worthy of love because I am fat. I have hated myself more than anyone else could ever hate me. I have believed the lie that the media and Hollywood has been so successfully selling for a long time. I believed that what I saw in the mirror DEFINED who I was. Today, I know the truth. I know that I am one awesome woman who has been through hell and come out standing. If you knew my whole story, my life from conception until now, you probably wouldn't believe it. I have survived, in 23 years, things that many people don't face in 60. I love people, I give of myself, I open my heart over and over to the same people who have hurt me a million times, I am a GOOD person. I have made some terrible mistakes, mistakes that hurt me, but worse than that, hurt other people. I can never take them back, I can never forget them, but I have tried my very best to move past them and make the world a better place. If you ask anyone in my family who to call when you need a babysitter, a friend, someone to plan an event, someone to write a letter or call a congressman, or just someone to hug you and let you cry, I can assure you my name will be near the top of that list. It is who I am and I am growing to love myself after a long long time spent wishing I was anyone else. After I lost my son, I blamed myself. I thought that if I had been worthy of being a mom I would still have a healthy baby in my womb. I truly, honestly believed the lie that was being thrown in my face that skinny women have healthy babies. That it was MY fault that the tiny person who I loved FAR before he was ever created, who I fought for when I was told it would never happen, the little boy who I had faced so many fears for, who I would have gladly laid down my own life for died because of ME. Do you realize how INSANE that is? Do you realize how WRONG and DISGUSTING it is that we are convincing the entire world of ignorance like that? I wanted to die, I had dreams where I was literally trying to kill myself because I was so angry at myself for killing my son. I begged my husband to forgive me and he looked at me like I was insane because he didn't realize there was anything to forgive. I asked my midwife, and her assistant, and the doctor on call, and my new doctor if I did something to cause this to happen and they all assured me over and over again that this was not my fault, but I didn't believe them. Do you know why? I didn't believe them because every day I read stories of the obesity epidemic in this country, and the miscarriage rate in overweight women, and fear mongering CRAP all over the internet that tells me that MY body is not good enough. Because they try to glorify teenage pregnancy with a gazillion television shows while they criticize women like me for being overweight and pregnant. Don't get me wrong and think that I am criticizing teen moms because I am not, some of the people I love most in this world, including my own mother and my best friend were teenage mothers and they are also some of the BEST mother's I know. That isn't my point, my point is that we should be celebrating life and helping people rather than making them feel badly. Do you want to know what I had to do to get pregnant to begin with? I won't go into all the gory details, but suffice it to say I've never been jabbed with so many needles, I've never cried so many tears, I've never had so many hormones surging through my body, I've never felt like such a failure, and I have never gotten pregnant by "accident." I'm certainly not that lucky. I have a condition called Polycystic Ovary Syndrome and insulin resistance. Not only does it make it extremely difficult to lose weight, for me, it made it extremely difficult to get pregnant. Women with this condition have to work two to three times as hard as an average person to lose a single pound. It isn't an easy road and it is wrong and disturbing to me that we live in a society where we are judged by our weight rather than our heart! I have a pretty amazing heart and I am SO sick of people caring more about my pants size than who I am. Newsflash, I AM MORE THAN A NUMBER! I have friends who are overweight who hate themselves. They don't feel worthy of love, they don't feel worthy of friendship and that makes me sick. I am sitting here in tears because I am so sick and tired of living in a society where that kind of prejudice is acceptable. I don't care if you are 10 years old or 100. I don't care if you are a size 00 or a 34. All I care about is your heart and soul. If you have a beautiful soul, you are beautiful and that is all that matters. PLEASE don't let this insane world define you by a number, you are so much more than that! I am a size 22 on a bloaty day, a size 20 on a good day. I hate my body, I really do, but I LOVE myself. It has taken me so many years to finally feel this way, but I do today. If I am the only voice telling you that you ARE good enough, that you ARE worthy, and that you CAN do this, I pray that my voice is the loudest because you DESERVE to love yourself!! <3 

SO much frustration and a little bit of hope...

First of all, this is off the topic of weight loss but 100% on the topic of my life and my mentality and health. On Sunday, my husband decided to be baptized. I was baptized in 1998 but I was only 8 years old and I didn't really understand the decision I was making at the time. So I decided to be baptized with him. It was such an emotional time. Most people don't know his history, or our story, so it doesn't seem like such a huge deal, but it IS. I have never been so proud of anyone in my life! The first picture is Wes before baptism. The second is our hug when we came out of the water. This was right after his triumphant shout and fist pump but I don't think anyone got that on camera. :( 

Okay, now back to the matter at hand. I am still fat...SHOCKER right? hahaha. Not so much. I am stuck at 264 and it seems like the rest of the weight just wants to chill, however, that WILL NOT happen. I have been slacking with updates, my life is a big hectic mess at the moment but I am handling it, I always do. So instead of going over all of the days I managed to skip I will give a quick summary. 

I am currently in Week 2 of Couch 2 5K. Yesterday was Day 1 and I was fairly certain I was going to die. I ended up half jogging half walking for about 15 seconds of the running time so I might end up redoing week 2 if I don't finish it. 

I am starting the 30 day squat challenge tonight thanks to my friend Heather and I am inviting all of my friends, family, and readers (if there are any that don't fall into the other two categories), to do it with me. I will post the challenge and then a video about safely doing squats. 

 I have been doing pretty good on my calorie intake. I have gone over twice but nothing too terrible. One day was just under 100 calories over and one day was just over 100. 

I have lost a few inches. Once again I didn't do all of my measurements but it's because I have a wicked sunburn and I can't handle doing my own measurements. So here the main ones are...

Bust- 49" for a loss of 2"

Bra Band- 43" for a loss of 1.5"

Waist- 46" for a loss of 3"

Hips- 47" for a loss of 0" 

The last one I am actually happy about because I have NO butt and if I lost any of it I would have nothing to sit on...Seriously...

My Xyngular order should be here this week. I just want to get through this plateau without losing my sanity...As if THAT is an option. 

I really want to thank every single person who is supporting me, or writing me messages and telling me that I have inspired them, you have NO idea how much that means to me. And I'd like to thank my best friend because EVERY SINGLE DAY, without fail, my husband tells me how beautiful I am even when, MOST ESPECIALLY when I don't believe that myself. 

Have a good day tomorrow and I hope that you all find the strength you need to conquer your own goals!! I am just a comment or email away if you need a friend. (jackilynchristine@gmail.com...Just write something to do with my blog in the subject line so I don't junk mail it!)

<3

Tonight...

I really don't have the energy to update this blog right now. I know I should, so I will, but tonight I feel like this journey I am on is just trivial. I am so worried about losing weight, but why? I know it is important for my health, I know I NEED to do it, but I feel like this is my new addiction. It's a crutch. I am not losing weight because I care about how I look. I mean, really? If that were the case I would have stuck to it all the other times I tried. This isn't about that. This is something bigger. This is me needing something to control. I have no control over anything in my life. People keep dying, my world keeps spinning out of control and I have control over NONE of it. I don't get to decide that I want my cousins back so that their children don't have to live with no mom, and more selfishly, so that I don't have to go through this pain on my own. I don't get to go up to Heaven and tell God that I am taking my Dad, my uncle, my brother, my grandparents, and my SON back. I don't get to tell God that he can't have my Popa because I am not done with him, I can say it, but that doesn't mean I get to make that decision. I can't fix the giant mess my happy marriage has become, I can't convince my husband that I love him more than life when he talks to me and I just yell and cry. And no matter how much I try, no matter how much I wish I could, I can't make this world a place where I have any desire to be. So THIS....this has nothing to do with looks. This is about power. I want power. I want to control one damn thing that is happening to my life. I want to look in the mirror and SEE results because I have worked my butt off to get them! I want to know that NO ONE did this to me, I did it FOR me! And if that's the wrong reason, if that makes me insane, I really don't care. I don't. I am so sick of bad things happening that I can't control and I REFUSE to die at an early age because I didn't take care of my body. I WILL take this weight off, I WILL conquer this stupid PCOS, I WILL prevent as many of the bad genes I received from my family as I can from presenting themselves in me. And I WILL do whatever it takes to make myself happy because, after all the hell life has put me through, I DESERVE to be happy!!!!!! So, no, today I don't feel like updating this blog but I will anyway because I have to. (If you have any interest at all in reading the blog I did care to update tonight, here's the link http://ourliljumpingbean.blogspot.com/  



April 3rd

I did 10 minutes of Crunches and leg flutters and other strength exercises. Then I walked/jogged 3 miles with my cousins. I did great on calories even including the late night trip to Ihop with Wes. Incidentally, almost four years ago when we started hanging out, Ihop was the first place he ever took me. Also at 2 am. lol Anyway, I got one of their 400 calorie meals and it was delish. 

April 4th

I am still trying to force myself off the couch for C25K. My body is so sore. I can't even stand up without hurting so I am terrified of getting on that treadmill. I did go for a two mile walk with my Mema though. It was nice. I've done good on calories but I am starving and I don't have anymore so that stinks...



After reading all of that again, I realize how melodramatic it sounds. I'm sorry. A weight loss blog isn't exactly the place for that but I am not going to erase it because I feel like I can't hold myself accountable if I refuse to be honest. So, here it is, this is me. This messed up, melodramatic, overly sensitive, crybaby is just who I am. Love me or hate me...I will have to find a way to live...