Tonight...

I really don't have the energy to update this blog right now. I know I should, so I will, but tonight I feel like this journey I am on is just trivial. I am so worried about losing weight, but why? I know it is important for my health, I know I NEED to do it, but I feel like this is my new addiction. It's a crutch. I am not losing weight because I care about how I look. I mean, really? If that were the case I would have stuck to it all the other times I tried. This isn't about that. This is something bigger. This is me needing something to control. I have no control over anything in my life. People keep dying, my world keeps spinning out of control and I have control over NONE of it. I don't get to decide that I want my cousins back so that their children don't have to live with no mom, and more selfishly, so that I don't have to go through this pain on my own. I don't get to go up to Heaven and tell God that I am taking my Dad, my uncle, my brother, my grandparents, and my SON back. I don't get to tell God that he can't have my Popa because I am not done with him, I can say it, but that doesn't mean I get to make that decision. I can't fix the giant mess my happy marriage has become, I can't convince my husband that I love him more than life when he talks to me and I just yell and cry. And no matter how much I try, no matter how much I wish I could, I can't make this world a place where I have any desire to be. So THIS....this has nothing to do with looks. This is about power. I want power. I want to control one damn thing that is happening to my life. I want to look in the mirror and SEE results because I have worked my butt off to get them! I want to know that NO ONE did this to me, I did it FOR me! And if that's the wrong reason, if that makes me insane, I really don't care. I don't. I am so sick of bad things happening that I can't control and I REFUSE to die at an early age because I didn't take care of my body. I WILL take this weight off, I WILL conquer this stupid PCOS, I WILL prevent as many of the bad genes I received from my family as I can from presenting themselves in me. And I WILL do whatever it takes to make myself happy because, after all the hell life has put me through, I DESERVE to be happy!!!!!! So, no, today I don't feel like updating this blog but I will anyway because I have to. (If you have any interest at all in reading the blog I did care to update tonight, here's the link http://ourliljumpingbean.blogspot.com/  



April 3rd

I did 10 minutes of Crunches and leg flutters and other strength exercises. Then I walked/jogged 3 miles with my cousins. I did great on calories even including the late night trip to Ihop with Wes. Incidentally, almost four years ago when we started hanging out, Ihop was the first place he ever took me. Also at 2 am. lol Anyway, I got one of their 400 calorie meals and it was delish. 

April 4th

I am still trying to force myself off the couch for C25K. My body is so sore. I can't even stand up without hurting so I am terrified of getting on that treadmill. I did go for a two mile walk with my Mema though. It was nice. I've done good on calories but I am starving and I don't have anymore so that stinks...



After reading all of that again, I realize how melodramatic it sounds. I'm sorry. A weight loss blog isn't exactly the place for that but I am not going to erase it because I feel like I can't hold myself accountable if I refuse to be honest. So, here it is, this is me. This messed up, melodramatic, overly sensitive, crybaby is just who I am. Love me or hate me...I will have to find a way to live...