Today I was having a conversation with a sweet woman who I have been friends with for years. We were talking about how heartbreaking it is to be overweight in today's society and how we are made to feel inferior. Reading her texts I was getting teary eyed because her feelings have been my feelings for so long. For years I have believed that I was not worthy of love because I am fat. I have hated myself more than anyone else could ever hate me. I have believed the lie that the media and Hollywood has been so successfully selling for a long time. I believed that what I saw in the mirror DEFINED who I was. Today, I know the truth. I know that I am one awesome woman who has been through hell and come out standing. If you knew my whole story, my life from conception until now, you probably wouldn't believe it. I have survived, in 23 years, things that many people don't face in 60. I love people, I give of myself, I open my heart over and over to the same people who have hurt me a million times, I am a GOOD person. I have made some terrible mistakes, mistakes that hurt me, but worse than that, hurt other people. I can never take them back, I can never forget them, but I have tried my very best to move past them and make the world a better place. If you ask anyone in my family who to call when you need a babysitter, a friend, someone to plan an event, someone to write a letter or call a congressman, or just someone to hug you and let you cry, I can assure you my name will be near the top of that list. It is who I am and I am growing to love myself after a long long time spent wishing I was anyone else. After I lost my son, I blamed myself. I thought that if I had been worthy of being a mom I would still have a healthy baby in my womb. I truly, honestly believed the lie that was being thrown in my face that skinny women have healthy babies. That it was MY fault that the tiny person who I loved FAR before he was ever created, who I fought for when I was told it would never happen, the little boy who I had faced so many fears for, who I would have gladly laid down my own life for died because of ME. Do you realize how INSANE that is? Do you realize how WRONG and DISGUSTING it is that we are convincing the entire world of ignorance like that? I wanted to die, I had dreams where I was literally trying to kill myself because I was so angry at myself for killing my son. I begged my husband to forgive me and he looked at me like I was insane because he didn't realize there was anything to forgive. I asked my midwife, and her assistant, and the doctor on call, and my new doctor if I did something to cause this to happen and they all assured me over and over again that this was not my fault, but I didn't believe them. Do you know why? I didn't believe them because every day I read stories of the obesity epidemic in this country, and the miscarriage rate in overweight women, and fear mongering CRAP all over the internet that tells me that MY body is not good enough. Because they try to glorify teenage pregnancy with a gazillion television shows while they criticize women like me for being overweight and pregnant. Don't get me wrong and think that I am criticizing teen moms because I am not, some of the people I love most in this world, including my own mother and my best friend were teenage mothers and they are also some of the BEST mother's I know. That isn't my point, my point is that we should be celebrating life and helping people rather than making them feel badly. Do you want to know what I had to do to get pregnant to begin with? I won't go into all the gory details, but suffice it to say I've never been jabbed with so many needles, I've never cried so many tears, I've never had so many hormones surging through my body, I've never felt like such a failure, and I have never gotten pregnant by "accident." I'm certainly not that lucky. I have a condition called Polycystic Ovary Syndrome and insulin resistance. Not only does it make it extremely difficult to lose weight, for me, it made it extremely difficult to get pregnant. Women with this condition have to work two to three times as hard as an average person to lose a single pound. It isn't an easy road and it is wrong and disturbing to me that we live in a society where we are judged by our weight rather than our heart! I have a pretty amazing heart and I am SO sick of people caring more about my pants size than who I am. Newsflash, I AM MORE THAN A NUMBER! I have friends who are overweight who hate themselves. They don't feel worthy of love, they don't feel worthy of friendship and that makes me sick. I am sitting here in tears because I am so sick and tired of living in a society where that kind of prejudice is acceptable. I don't care if you are 10 years old or 100. I don't care if you are a size 00 or a 34. All I care about is your heart and soul. If you have a beautiful soul, you are beautiful and that is all that matters. PLEASE don't let this insane world define you by a number, you are so much more than that! I am a size 22 on a bloaty day, a size 20 on a good day. I hate my body, I really do, but I LOVE myself. It has taken me so many years to finally feel this way, but I do today. If I am the only voice telling you that you ARE good enough, that you ARE worthy, and that you CAN do this, I pray that my voice is the loudest because you DESERVE to love yourself!! <3
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